You know you have a big dog when...

The sound of running water makes you jump up and yell, "OUTSIDE!"

You tell your dog to sit, and he backs up until he finds a chair.

It takes 3 people to get your dog on the scale at the vets.

You walk your dog and everyone knows him by name, but you have no idea who these people are.

You can carry on a conversation with a dog's muzzle firmly in your crotch.

You own a dog capable of pulling someone from a port-a-potty.

You carry a tape measure with you when shopping for a new vehicle.

You keep at least one color-coded "drool towel" in every room of your house.

After banishing your husband, the snoring in your bedroom still keeps you awake.

You are hiking with a friend who later suggests that you ought to have
an environmental impact statement done on your dog.

Visitors enter the house holding their privates protectively.

You toss your dog a ball and cringe when he almost hits his head on the top of the doorway.

You take your dog for a ride and he rests his head on your arm,
causing you to make random right turns.

You have given up on water dishes and you just use the bathtub.

Your two dogs decide to play in the house, and they end up pulling the ceiling fan down, for the second time.

You have to move over when brushing your teeth because your dog wants a drink.

You show a picture of your dogs and kids together, and the first
person you point out is your dog.

While stopped at a stop light, everyone stares as your car rocks back
and forth because the dog is panting out the window.

You go to vacuum your car and most of the fur is up there on the ceiling.

You've learned to force a smile when asked "do you have a saddle for that thing?"

The monthly dog budget exceeds your home mortgage payment.

Your veterinarian has been able to put in a swimming pool, build a
large home, buy jet skis and a vacation home in Florida.

You have had to train your dog not to lick dishes, and the dishes are in the sink.

The donuts you put on top of the refrigerator are gone when you get
home and your dog has powdered sugar on his nose.

Your dog can see what you're cooking and he tries to assist you in the preparation.

You're holding him straddled between your legs when the doorbell rings
and you find yourself quickly transported straight to the front door.

The pizza delivery people tell you to meet them at the end of the sidewalk.

Your dog stands in your lap and reaches over you to stick his head in
the drive-through window at McDonalds and nearly gives the cashier a
heart attack when she turns around to give you your change.

You purchase a large screen TV and you still can't see the program
when he stands in front of the television.

After surgery, your bored pup decides to get up and cruise around the
vet's office, pulling the rolling IV stand behind him.

The meter man has to take Valium before coming to read your meter.

You explain to friends why the toilet bowl is empty...and the seat is soaking wet.

No one needs explanation to the strange streaks across the ceiling and walls.

You feed the cat 8' in the air.

The litter pans are on top of the bookshelves.

You come home and your furniture has been re-arranged and you don't call the cops.

The holes in the walls and doors also don't need any explanation.

Screens? What are those?

Couches become chew toys.

You buy your dog their own couch/loveseat. ...So you will have somewhere to sit.

When your poor significant other gets dirty looks when you go to the
store after your latest dog related black eye.

When you explain to your dry cleaner that they're slobber stains.

When the seats to your SUV/Van are in the garage more than in the house.

When you have given up on the hope of ever having grass in your yard again.

When you have at least two pairs of pants that have been damaged in
some way after your dog has decided to go off the beaten path.

When you start buying air freshener in bulk.

Your Dog

1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Please remember that any separation from you is likely to be painful. . 
2. Give me time to understand what you want of me. I will try my best.
3. Place your trust in me. It is crucial for my well-being. 
4. Don't be angry with me for long and don't lock me up as punishment. 
   You have your work, your friends, your entertainment, but I have only  you.
5. Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your words I do understand 
   your voice when speaking to me. 
6. Be aware that however you treat me I will never forget it. 
7. Before you hit me, before you strike me, remember that I have teeth 
   that could easily crush the bones in your hand and yet I choose not   
   to bite you. Treat me with kindness and respect.
8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative ask yourself if 
   something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right 
   food, I may of have been in the sun too long or my heart might be getting old or weak. I have bad days just as you do!
9. Please take care of me when I grow old. You too will grow old one day.  
10. On the ultimate difficult journey , when it is time for me to cross the rainbow bridge,
    Go with me please. Never say you can't bear to watch. Don't make me face this alone. Everything is easier for me if you are there because I love you so.
11.  I am your animal companion not your child. I think like an animal and I need to eat, and play like an animal. Learn all you can about my care and how I think . I need kindness and training to be my best.  Please give me what I need and I will be with you as your loving friend for many years to come.